Monday, 22 September 2008

Part #9 - Oman Revisited

OK. It was a crappy, rotten day yesterday. More weight had come off, which again, gave those paradoxical feelings of both delight and fear. But, the day got better temporarily, as I wrote and Ian ironed (Bless him!), and then it suddenly slumped, God-awfully.

Ian received an Anonymous comment on his 'Meandering Words' post. It advised him to leave me as soon as possible, told him I was 'poison'; that I might want to fade away but that he would 'fucking DIE'. This person left their girlfriend. They did it for their own self-preservation. He/she also stated that I loved my ED more than Ian. That bit hard. I hate my ED. I hate it so much that I have wanted to 'fade away' in order not to cause any more suffering to my loved ones because I have no bloody help here in Cheshire from the NHS.

We debated whether to publish the comment - I was all for it at first; reckoned that everyone had a right to comment. Then we thought more. The poll states that there are currently six people reading this blog who suffer with an ED. How would it affect them to read this person's words? This is not a Pro-Ana site. This is mine and Ian's journey. We are battling hard, and we will win. But we don't need comments like that.

Ian left me once before as some of you may know. And since his return, it has been a permanent fear of mine that he will do so again if the going gets tough. The girls also fear it as both of them adore him. Having someone encourage him to do it again left me quite bereft and panicky.

Ian feels this person is full of anger, guilt and cowardice - and wants someone else to do the same to justify his/her own actions. I am slowly starting to see it from his point of view...

So. Today. It's the 2nd day of Autumn (officially) in the UK and after a gloriously hot weekend, where an Indian Summer seemed a reality, it has become a bit overcast and grey. But that's OK. I am typing in the conservatory rather than in Beth's bedroom. The heating is on, and it's not bad. Oscar, the daft kitten is tinkling around, jumping on everything and driving me bonkers with the constant tintinabulation of his collar bell.

I'm going to return to my tale of Oman and my final months there. I need to get this off my chest, once and for all.

After the trip to Dubai, I went downhill quite badly. The pantomime was peformed (to great acclaim, thankfully, and we raised around £20,000 for the school) and I was able to relax. But not having anything to do left me very self-destructive. I am shocking when I am bored - I think this is why I never stop cleaning or baking. Anything to keep my mind away from my own thoughts.

Anal increased his social nights out. He joined a Gaelic football team; did Rugby training; played golf (wherein every Friday morning [the Gulf weekend] he would return with his mates and I would make a Full Monty fry-up for them); and went to the Monday night, Intercon Hotel Quiz at the Al Ghazal bar. With 'the other woman'.

And 'the other woman' started to drop in to the house more regularly than she had ever done. And always about an hour before Anal's return from work. An hour to ostensibly chat to me, and then a few hours to be with Anal? She started taking an inordinate amount of pride in her appearance - something she hadn't really been bothered with before, unless we were going out to a formal of sorts. She manicured and pedicured constantly. And complained that she didn't have a steady hand to varnish her toes. Anal had done mine for me in the past, as he did have a steady hand so I suggested he did her toes for her. They sat in front of me on the settee, and I noticed her foot inching into his groin.

"Excuse me, but will you take your foot away from my husband's dick?" I remarked. She snorted at me, but did as I asked. I felt a bit odd at what I had seen. I had made this comment with laughter in my voice, but something didn't feel quite right. Weeks ago, when they had been painting the set for the panto one evening, I had gone to bed for the night. However, I woke up, wondering where my then husband was: at midnight, Anal still wasn't home. He didn't have his mobile with him, so I called 'the other woman''s. "What are you up to? Are you shagging my husband on the stage?" I joked. She didn't speak to me for a week out of umbrage, and her husband told me months later he had found an email from her to a friend stating that she might just shag Anal, just to show me...

I entered a serious episode of depression due to the ED. I paid to see a psychiatrist who informed me that I had bi-polar disorder, with associated psychotic thoughts. My English GP snorted with laughter when I told him this and informed me that I was the least psychotic person he had ever met, and most definitely didn't suffer with bi-polar (manic depression) was used against me in the divorce, though. I was put onto Xanax and Olanzapine. These drugs turned me into a zombie - Ian would have adored me even more then, as he loves his ridiculous Zombie Movies! I walked around in a permanent haze and fug. Everything was slow, pale and bland. My emotions diminished, my energy evaporated, and I simply existed. I didn't enjoy a life. I purely breathed. In and Out.

One morning - and I don't know if it was due to greater tolerance to the drugs - I had a moment of clarity. I decided to take an overdose and see myself off, once and for all. I was sick and tired of the ED - my gut was rotten with all the acid; my bowels were in a terrible state; I was so very, very lonely and I could not see what the point of it all was. I had a month's supply of Xanax and Olanzapine and took the whole lot, washed down with a half bottle of Vodka. Within minutes of me taking it all, 'the other woman' was at the door, coming over for a natter. As I started to fade away, she got me to hospital.

I don't remember anything else apart from this:

About 24 hours after taking the tablets, I came to. In my very groggy state, I opened my eyes and saw Anal and 'the other woman' kissing passionately (snogging for you Brits!) at the foot of my bed. I didn't have the energy to say anything and fell back into my comatose state.

I was discharged the next day. I came home, rather whoozy. 'The other woman' came along with Anal to collect me and they both bustled me off to bed. We, at that point, lived on a compound - 16 villas surrounding a swimming pool and terrace. The girls were in and out of their friends' houses all the time. They went to see B and her Mum, AB, asked where I had been. They told her: in hospital. She could see Anal and 'the other woman' sitting around a table by the poolside from her windows. She phoned me rather than walk across and have to acknowledge them.

AB was a tough Cockney bird. Called a spade a shovel. No holds barred.

"What the f*cking hell is going on? You've been in f*cking hospital? What the f*ck has happened?"

I told her, honestly...

"And have you seen that pair out there? Open your bloody eyes. She's all over him. She's rubbing her f*cking foot up and down his leg as I speak to you; they're sharing a bottle of bloody wine and you've just come out of hospital after taking an overdose. Why aren't they there with you? They're having a f*cking affair!"

I protested, and said that they were just friends. She hung up on me in disgust. I called another close friend and asked her opinion. She confirmed it.

After 'the other woman' had left, I confronted Anal. He admitted it readily and told me that he loved her and not me. I told him that I was pleased for him and that if he was to fall in love with anyone, I was glad it was 'the other woman' as I loved her, too. I told him he had my 'blessing'. Was I mental? I think I must have been, for a week later, when he had been out every night with her, I suddenly saw red, called his mobile and demanded that he came back forthwith.

He had the cheek to bring her into the house with him.

"Get out of my f*cking house! And let me talk to my husband!" I spat at her.

She left immediately.

He told me he loved her, he wouldn't finish with her for me, he would move out and go into Bachelor accomodation...and then he swigged back a load of vodka and started punching walls.

I guess there is a part 3 to this as I cannot continue any further. These memories hurt greatly. I have a very vivid memory - can see colours, recall smells, tastes, atmospheres, and it is all in my head as though it was yesterday.

But this is an exorcism. I just now need a break...


Linda and her Twaddle said...

Tintinabulation - what a nice word.

That expression "who needs enemies when you have friends like that" comes to mind.

The reason you did not twig at what was going on is because you would not do such a thing and naturally assume others would be of the same calibre. You were unaware but not because you were "stupid", but because you are not duplicite and sly and nasty - unlike your ex husband and ex friend. And to top it off, you were unwell.

Charles Parsnip said...

I just want to comment further on the negative anonymous comment we received yesterday.

It really did anger me. It wasn't "negative feedback", or a criticism of our writing style, which I think I would have been able to tolerate. It was a comment filled with words from someone who was finding it impossible to support their loved one, had left them, and then was seeking justification for that act by convincing me to leave too.

That is something I will never do. Never. Ever. The comment presumed to know how I felt about Annie, and also about my strength, and about what was best for me. I don't take orders very well, and as for the comment about how it will kill me, well, that just showed how little the anonymous commenter knew about me and Annie's ED. If you're reading this Anon, it will definately kill her first.

I am by Annie's side every step of the way. As was commented against Annie's earlier post. "In sickness and in health". It's not possible to be a "fair weather" husband/boyfriend. You take the rough with the smooth, and as we laughed yesterday as I invented words and we teased each other as we tried the crossword. I knew that there could be sunshine in every day. You just need to work at it.

Another brave post Annie. I am so proud of you for this.


Jane said...

You think it's hard to look at the scale and see that you gained .02 of a pound?

Imagine how hard it is to look into your daughter's eyes in 10 years and apologising for having cared more about your bones than her wellbeing.

Before you even say it... No, you CANNOT have an ED and be a good or even mediocre mother.

You're promoting death. You're promoting an unrealistic reality. You're promoting the fact that no matter what you weigh, you will NEVER be good enough; and if you gain weight, you are shit.

This isn't a Pro-Ana site but you seem pretty proud of what you're doing.

I don't think you should have started this blog if you didn't think about 'negative feedback' coming your way.

I think whatever the Anonymous poster said had some semblance of truth.

No matter how tough you are, Ian, and no matter how many times you say in sickness and in health...

... the scale will always mean more than your own thoughts, feelings and rationalities.

But it's your choice who you stay with. Not your choice who you love.

I get that.

But it's your choice to stay in a relationship like this where you have to smash bathroom scales just to get some relief.

But by your actions, you're condoning what she is doing. You, yourself, are promoting young girls to follow suit and that everything will still be okay in the end.

Anorexia. Bulimia. Nothing to do with those will be okay in the end.

I don't understand. Is this blog full of pride or shame?

Seems to me you should pick a side.

Pride or Shame?

Health or Blame?

Agnes Mildew said...

Jane:I wonder if you are a mother yourself? I wonder if you know someone with an ED and are riven with anger about it? You have no idea how I parent my girls and the love we share!

Pride in what I am doing? Have you read about my disgust for my actions?

There is little point getting into an inflammatory discussion with you, but Health or Blame? Pride or Shame? Your final comments...No, simply exorcism.

That's all. Don't read it if it makes you cross - it's helping others...

Karen ^..^ said...

I am so glad you have comment moderation enabled. You do not need anyone invalidating what you are doing here. Screw that asshole who didn't have the courage to help someone he obviously didn't love unconditionally. How dare he try to justify his cowardice by goading Ian into leaving. How dare he be such a cowardly jerk as to make his comment Anonymous. Chickenshit. He or she knew that we'd descend on him like the jackal he is, LOL. It would be a feeding frenzy. There is no room for such bullshit here. This is a safe place.

Annie, as far as Anal and Jane? They did you the most wonderful favor, in the most horrific way possible. Imagine still being stuck with him? Ugh. The very thought makes me want to gag.

And I agree with Linda. You did not accuse because you'd never in a million years do what someone like them had done. And that is a good thing, no matter how badly society wants to make you think otherwise. It is good to not run around hurting people all the time. The trick is to find your balance so that being a good person doesn't hurt YOU.

You are better now. Your life is better. There should be no fear that it is going to go away. Trust me, YOU do deserve your life as it is now, take it from someone who sees you objectively and from a (long) distance. You are a good person, and you do deserve the wonderful things your life is now giving you.

Karma will get them. Oh, trust me, it will. What goes around comes around, beleive you me, I've seen it over and over. The good that is happening to you? It is because you reap what you sow.

I wonder if you have thought maybe about seeing a physician for obsessive compulsive disorder? I think that may be the root of a lot of eating disorders and addictions.

worth a look into. You may have a very slight case. Treat that, and maybe your compulsion to binge and purge might lessen a bit.

Take care, Annie and be happy today. You deserve it.

I love that phrase, "daft kitten". A more appropriate description for a kitten has never been written. LOL.

Karen ^..^ said...

Wow, what a vitriolic woman you are. You seem so angry. So defensive. Let me tell you something, you don't know anything about this. Obviously. Otherwise you never would have posted this utter crap. Would you say the same thing about someone who has cancer? People stricken with cancer are unable to get out of bed for days at a time. How about someone who has diabetes, or any other dreaded disease????????? Annie is a wonderful mother who LOVES her children. You are a sick individual.

Let me tell you something, you narrow minded ignorant bitch... Annie has as much control over this disorder as a person stricken with cancer has over thier disease. It is irrelevant how it started. How dare you? Sitting at your computer so smug and self righteous. You have no clue about this. The anorexia and bulimia are not what define her. They are not what make up her personality. She loves those girls. Her personality is wonderful and beautiful.

You might want to read these posts again. You are a self righteous, self serving, mean spririted, small minded woman who has no joy in her own life obviously, and who wants to knock down the small steps this courageous woman has made toward a very difficult recovery. Why is that ok? It isn't. You wouldn't do this to someone who had cancer. Why is it ok for you to abuse someone in the throes of such a horrific disorder? It is no less life threatening than cancer.

I feel sorry for the likes of you. You ARE the sort of cancer that has perpetrated diseases of this sort.

It is obvious that you cannot read. Otherwise you would have seen ALL of what she said instead of picking out one or two things and expounding on that. And I find it VERY interesting indeed, that your name is Jane. Hmmm....

Get help. You are sicker than anyone I've ever come across with an eating disorder. You have several personality disorders that prevent you from feeling any sort of compassion, any sort of humanity. I'm done. I'm wasting no more of my time on you. You disgust me.

Agnes Mildew said...

Linda: Yes, "Who needs enemies with friends like these"? I have a horrible suspicion that Jane has posted herself, on...

Ian: Thank you for being stronger than the weak fuck-wits who tell you to get away. May they rot. And I hope that they, one day get embroiled with someone suffering with some form of mental health problem (a term which you know I hate to use)


You can come here as much as you like, but our hearts are in the right place. And if we finally help one person with our open confessions, that's wonderful.

You'll only get moderated, anyway...




Lexy said...

As one of those who voted on your blog, I have to admit I'm a bit disappointed that you chose not to post that comment. I find it hard to believe that someone could have said something more triggering than that which you write about.

Then again, if you have those types of concerns then I doubt you'll post my comment either because there's really no delicate way to tell someone you disagree with something they say.

Perhaps I should start by saying that I suffered from an ED. That I did absolutely everything I could possibly think of to both lose weight and harm myself. I understand precisely where you're coming from and because of that I can't decide if this blog is the most honest I've yet to read, or the most dishonest.

Everything I read seems clouded by denial, which most sufferers are shrouded in.

The way your blog comes across is as though you're the victim of the ED, the same way you were the victim of your mother, your boyfriends, your self esteem, and that you're burdened by your family getting in the way of your ED. I'm not saying this is what you SAID, just how it comes across TO ME.

I've yet to read where you take responsibility for your actions. It was your choice the first time you put your finger down your throat. Your choice the first time you made it a goal not to eat. Your choice to take that step over the edge. And it's still your choice each and every day.

Yes it's an addiction. Yes it's a compulsion. Yes it doesn't feel like a choice... but it is. No matter what happened to you, no matter what other illnesses, physical or mental you suffer, it is and was a choice. YOUR CHOICE.

An ED, no matter your reasons, is a selfish disease. It will never affect just you, and it will hurt your family more than it will ever hurt you. Every time you choose to weigh yourself, to think about your weight, to make decisions fueled by it, you are choosing your ED over your family. Over Ian. Over your girls.

And it's sad, because I know exactly why you think you can. I know exactly why you don't see it that way, how you can still justify it because it is SO easy... but it's nothing compared to the guilt and shame you will feel if you ever get healthy.

As someone who's been there... reality sucks.

Have you ever lost a loved one? Watched them fade away in front of you eaten away from a disease there was no cure for?

How can you then say that it's less painful for your family to watch you fade away, than it is to do everything you can possibly do to get better? You said yourself you're not anywhere near recovery, and if that's the case, then you're not really trying.

I know this all sounds harsh but not even knowing you I feel like I'm watching you die. How do you sit by and watch that? Especially when you know there's a way out?

I dare you, for just one day, that each time you think about food, or weight, or self destruction, or even just yourself to then think of your family. Think of how this has and will continue to affect Ian and the girls. Think of the toll it has already taken on your relationship with everyone. Think about if it's worth it.

And most importantly, notice how many times you have to remind yourself of your family. I don't doubt that you love your family, that you think of them with guilt all the time... but each time you're making a choice between them and you.

I don't think this is going to help you get better. Honestly, I don't have any hope whatsoever of anyone here helping you, even Ian, because the only one who can help you is you. An ED is an addiction like every other, you have to be ready and you have to make the choice. It's a simple decision with a hard path, but you obviously have loving support around you... use it wisely.

Agnes Mildew said...

Lexy: Thank you for commenting and with such understanding and passion.

Right.OK Your words are bloody harsh.

I am always one for a dare.

I will take up that dare.

And I will try my hardest to not use any negative behaviours tomorrow - I have already done them today (sorry).

Your words resonated. You sounded cross with me. And I could understand why, because when I am in recovery, I also want to tell people to 'stop', 'look at what the world has to offer' are reiterating my own words.

Thank you for taking the time to comment.

Karen ^..^ said...

Lexy's words are harsh. And smack of a bit of self righteousness.

I wonder if you actually HAVE suffered from an eating disorder, and how severe was it, because if so, you'd know that there is little control over it. If any.

It is putting everything you have on the line and going up against something so much bigger than you, every single day. I applaud Annie for all she is doing because she is by nature a very private person and it has taken YEARS for her to take this very healing step. She doesn't need harshness at this point, and what we all need to realize and remember is that she did this to try to recover. Not to give you license to preach and pontificate.

It isn't about you. It is about Annie, and Ian and Beth and Rosemary.

It isn't about us. Stop looking for some sort of fucking glorification. It is about her. Allow it to be. It is necessary that it is.

She needs this. If you have a need to make it about you, start your own fucking blog. Stay off this one if you have nothing positive to say. She doesn't need your damage. Jesus H. Christ.

Charles Parsnip said...

Damn. I swore I would never feed the trolls.

Jane. I normally abhor quote pyramids where comments are plucked and argued against until page 23 of the post by which time everyone has lost interest, so this will be my last word on the subject.

Yes. You are trolling. Your comment was wildly generalisational and full of sentences that are designed to provoke an emotional response, yet they have no substance.

"You cannot have an ED and be a good or even mediocre mother". Priceless. You are of the opinion that people with any kind of disorders can be labelled and put in a box. Anyone with an ED goes in a "bad mothers" box is that it? For your information there are lots of qualities that make up bad mothers. You only need to look at the actions of the two women mentioned in Annie's blog. Both Jane and Annie's mother had no consideration for the consequences of their actions on their children. This is such a wild generalisation, it is laughable.

"You're promoting death."
"You're promoting an unrealistic reality."
"You're promoting the fact that no matter what you weigh, you will NEVER be good enough; and if you gain weight, you are shit."
Where? I don't see promotion. I see pain, suffering, violence and abuse. I see someone trying to overcome it and document how it feels.

"This isn't a Pro-Ana site but you seem pretty proud of what you're doing."
I'm proud of Annie for writing it all down. For overcoming her embarassment and shame. Annie has no pride in all of this. None. More generalisation and out of context quoting. Bravo.

"I think whatever the Anonymous poster said had some semblance of truth." More conjecture. You don't know what they said.

"Anorexia. Bulimia. Nothing to do with those will be okay in the end." And this closing statement filled with generalisation is utter rubbish. You're saying there is no recovery? or are you saying that someone will never recover from the effects of having had an ED? You're not specifying, deliberately generalising, and therefore trolling.

"Pride or Shame?, Health or Blame?" Do you work in Marketing?

Karen ^..^ said...

Very interesting. I've been to both Jane's and Lexy's sites, and they both have less than ten viewers. Lexy's has only ONE viewer. No blog. Figures. I think they are one and the same. The question is, why is this person doing this?

Sounds like a personal problem. And she should take it somewhere else.

Karen ^..^ said...

Brilliantly stated, Ian. Although this bit:

"I think whatever the Anonymous poster said had some semblance of truth." More conjecture. You don't know what they said.

I think they know PRECISELY what was said, because JANE said it.

sometimes you have to feed the trolls. And you did an admirable job of it. Very good.

Charles Parsnip said...

Lexy (and all),

It was my suggestion that the comment went unposted. My reason for that is to prevent trolling, plain & simple.

I have run my own forums for about 5 years now, and participated in a good deal of other forums too.

Trolling and pointless posting (lol, lmao, /jranger etc) serve no other purpose than to inflame other forum users.

Posts such as yours, that are reasoned, thought out, and well crafted will always stand, but posts with "f*ck this" and "you will f*cking die" are designed solely to create aggravation. The only course of action in order to stop this, is to ignore it. Trolls invariably rise to the bait of an argument with unsustained outrageous comments, hoping to further incite misery and pain to all those reading/posting.

I will not post Troll-like comments on this, or any other blog or forum I moderate. Your disappointment at the action I took is understandable, however if you have ever moderated a forum you will know that if you allow trolling and/or flaming to occur, you spend your entire time trying to calm people down.

If you disagree with the sentiments proposed in any of these posts, we welcome debate, but personal attacks will just not be posted.



Mars said...

some people are just very jobless or very cruel to the point of stupidity.

and I *heart* Oscar. he is just too adorable. I so want a litty but mom hates anything with fur. so soft toy kitten it is :(

Linda and her Twaddle said...

Jane, tell me something, do you think that a man that abuses his wife would be a good father? Or a man who sleeps with another woman other than his wife would be a good father? Or a woman who deceives a "best friend", deceives a husband and then sleeps with another man. Would she make a good mother? All of these actions are well and truly within a persons control and therefore suggests an extreme lack of care and propriety for others that may be affected.

ED and other mental health issues are not a reflection on parenting skills.

You seem to be the sort who would take a basic and negative slant on the whole thing.

The way I see it, Annie's girls are now being exposed to a relationship between two adults that shows tenderness, caring and love. They see their mother trying her best to overcome it. They see Ian doing what he needs (and wants) to do to help Annie. It all sounds pretty positive to me actually.

Incidentally, I think Ian shows his strength and conviction and passion by supporting Annie. And I feel that Annie appreciates him greatly and will melt and blossom under his care. Certainly, they have tough, sad times, but so be it. People do what they need to do.

Lexy, your words are harsh but there is loads of truth there. I guess Annie has to be confident enough in herself to resist that compulsion. Turning the "victim" mentality around takes a bit of work. I am sure that you, as a former Ed sufferer, would know how hard that is. But I bet you would also recall how hard it was for you to do it. I also think that, whilst your comment may come across to some as harsh, it is not spiteful or mean. It is aware and honest in itself. Perhaps the Anon comment that was deleted was just part of the learning curve of accepting the truth.

Ang said...

Thank you for stopping by and reading my blog the other day. Your blog is truly an inspiration despite what some people may think. You are so brave to write about ED and face it head on. You inspired me to face some things head on. I try to stop by and read your blog everyday. Keep fighting and don't listen to people who lack knowledge.

Bob J said...


I tried to comment on the post about your childhood, but my wi-fi connection is not always the best, so I thought I would give it another try.

I hope as you work on your blog you can step back and try and understand how the events that happened to you might effect not only yourself, but any sensitive child. What they would do to a child's developing sense of self.

And more to the point, what the current task of a now-grown adult might be who has suffered such events.

I think it is wonderful that you are continuing to write your story. Getting it on paper...well, it's cathartic, but also gives a person something to objectively assess.

So a question would be...what is the adult task of someone who was raised under such abusive conditions, and who is still being effected so?

I can't claim to know the answer, and I'm sure it's complex, but probably worth trying to delinitate ?

With all respect for your struggles,


Agnes Mildew said...

Karen: Remind me to NEVER upset you! You frightened me there - haha! Thanks for your support - greatly appreciated. You said a lot of things in your comments and they do give me pause for thought. OCD? Hmmm...I have heard that a lot of sufferers take that alongside them, too. Certainly, the book Ian has mentioned previously, Diet of Despair, broaches the subject.

Mars: We had a good chuckle at your comment. Thanks!

Linda: I just agree with all that you have said. Thanks.

Ang: Thanks for dropping by. And thank you for your words of support. I am glad you are finding these posts of some help.

Bob J: Thanks for the comment. I have utterly no answer for you where the adult's task is concerned. I know that I am finding writing this out very helpful and it definitely is allowing me to look at things more objectively. As I go back and re-read, the emotions lessen each time. I hope that they will soon disappear and it won't be too long before I am writing posts of how I am 'recovering' and those demons are really waving goodbye.