Thursday, 1 January 2009

Happy New Year

Happy New Year, all of you - I hope 2009 is a marvellous one for all of us.

I occasionally write a more light-hearted blog and was re-reading some posts tonight from 18 months ago. I know that on Annie's Rexia I describe the slights and criticisms from my parents and the ex with sadness, hurt and bitterness, but I have attempted to inject some levity into them, too. I therefore thought I would be bone idle and copy an old Hex My Ex post into this blog just so that we can remind ourselves from time to time that we can try our damnedest to laugh at things.

I hope it raises a small smile...

I have recently been thinking about the veiled insults, back-handed compliments and the insecurity springboards which I have received over my colourful life.

Most of them have come from my dear family members, mainly from Mother Dearest who wouldn’t know how to give an unconditional compliment if it came on a silver platter and garnished with parsley. And so, dear reader, I shall share some of these with you and then you in turn might wish to employ them in order to screw with the heads of your foes.

On getting a C grade in Human Biology A Level at night school:
Father: Couldn’t you have got a B?

On getting 83% in a Health & Social Care assignment:
Father: That’s what you got last time. Couldn’t you have got 84%?

On having my hair cut into a new style:
Mother: That style really suits you. I wish you’d stop dying your hair that dark colour, though, it looks trashy.

On losing weight:
Mother: You’re getting too thin.

On subsequently gaining weight:
Mother: You look like a Sumo wrestler.

On my figure:
Mother: You’ve got a smashing figure. It’s a pity you’ve got that belly, though. Have you tried sit-ups?

On dressing up for a family meal:
Mother: I’m glad to see you are smartening up these days. You look really nice when you go out. But don’t wear that awful black thing tonight. You look like a witch.

On commenting whether I needed to lose weight or not:
The Ex: I’ll give you a stone either way. Put on a stone and you’re dumped; lose a stone and you’re dumped.

On commenting how romantic candle-lit meals were:
The Ex: Don’t expect me to be making soppy remarks to you over the dining table. I’ll have me head down eating me nosebag.

On making a three course birthday meal for my Mother:
Mother: Is there garlic in this? Urgh, I hate garlic.

On playing the baddy in a pantomime:
All my 'friends': You're very natural as a witch.

On getting the principal boy part in a panto with lots of singing:
The Ex: The only people in the audience who'll appreciate your singing will be the handicapped kids.

On asking why a (then) boyfriend had stayed so long with his psychopathic exgirlfriend:
Ex-boyfriend: Because it was the best sex I have ever had in my life.

Me as a cleaner
On being offered a dream job as a writer:
Mother: You'll be home later than usual? You can't do that. What about the children? Why don't you go cleaning? Cleaners get well paid and you can choose your own hours.
[Obviously, this is why I am studying an English degree, as there is a high demand for well-read cleaners]

On being offered a dream job as a writer #2:
Daughter No.1: So you'll be home later than before? So all you care about is the money and not me? You just don't care about me, do you? [I turned the job down, eventually]

On losing quite a lot of weight and fancying a bit of hanky-panky that night:
The Ex: You look like a road traffic accident.

On going on a diet after repeated remarks from Mother that I was huge:
Mother: Have some apple pie and cream. Go on, I made it especially for you.
Me: I told you I was on a diet.
Mother: That won’t kill you.
Me: No, but it will put weight on me.
Mother: You’re obsessed, you are…

On taking my driving test after 12 lessons:
Mother: You’ll not pass. It took me 25 lessons before I passed. Waste of good money.
Ha! I passed!

Me on a good dayAll I can say is that it’s a jolly good job I am thick-skinned and have oodles of self-esteem. But, I have to end it here - I must go now as I have an appointment with my psychotherapist…

11 comments:

Mars said...

i read this before on the HME blog and it was quite funny. Some of the stuff sounds familiar - like the grades bit. i used to think it's an asian thing, but now i realize it's a parent thing.

have a great new year :)

Abi said...

A lot of those comments sound rather familiar!!

Happy New Year! I tried to email you, not sure it worked....

Karen ^..^ said...

This was a very funny post, over at HME, and at the time, I had no idea you had suffered the torment that you had. I must say, that for a woman to suffer so in her lifetime, at the hands of parents who were supposed to love you, at the hands of a husband who vowed to love and cherish you, and at friends who were supposed to be loyal allies, the fact that you have maintained such a brilliant sense of humor really speaks of your strong character. I hope that does not go unnoticed by ANYONE. You rock, ANNIE! Happy New Year, my dear friend!

MelissaS said...

your mother wanted you to clean houses for a living instead of taking your dream job as a writer? i'll be back -- i have to work on pulling my chin off the floor.

Linda and her Twaddle said...

That is a funny post, in a bad sort of way. But it is interesting that habit that some people have of always having to be negative. Or a compliment followed by a knock down. Just in case you have the gall to feel good about yourself, takes away their power if you have any self esteem.

My husband says things sometimes that are positives and negatives in one. If I wear a white top he says "That looks nice. I like white on you better than black because black makes you look washed out". To which I reply "you should have stopped at the 'that looks nice' because all I am going to hear is the negative at the end". It is a touchy subject between us.

We can all find negatives about everyone around us, but just keep it in your head. If you speak the good stuff, the ugly stuff takes a backseat where it belongs.

No wonder you have to go to therapy.

Annie T said...

Mars: It's not an Asian thing...no...although my Asian friend is adamant that I am a much better Asian daughter than she is and calls me Gungadin...Thanks for the e-cards, by the way, and a happy new year to you, too!

Abi: Perhaps our mothers were separated at birth, eh?

The email hasn't come through. But please do try again!

Karen: The mind boggles at times, doesn't it? The remark about 'the best sex ever' still makes me snort with laughter, though, as that man really was a drip! Then again, hell, what does that make me in the sack???

Happy New Year to you and the girls x.

Melissa: 'Tis the truth! Yes, I still bear a bit of regret over not taking that job...I could have been working out of all sorts of European countries by now...but, never mind...I wouldn't be with Ian and the girls if that had happened!

Linda: You have summed it up perfectly! If there is a 'tag' on a compliment, it just doesn't work. I think, with some people, it is necessary to carry around a whopping big 'STOP THERE!' sign, to be held aloft at the crucial moment. Maybe, if it also comes with a treat when it takes place, your husband will be conditioned just like Pavlov's Dogs, to give a compliment with NO backhand! Just make sure you know what the treat is first...

Abi said...

Argh Annie - tried twice to mail you - my address is areyoufastasleep[at]hotmail.co.uk

possibly the hotmail is not liking the googlemail...?

Cunning_Linguist said...

Sadly enough, I can't afford the therapy. THIS is why I blog,lol. Of course one of these days an actual psychotherapist will read it and have me comitted somewhere. Until then, onward I charge. So sdhould you. Cheaper than prozac, ya know?

Annie T said...

Abi: Will do!

Cunning: Definitely charging onwards now. Or at least, definitely trying (again). Prozac's pretty cheap here anyway - we only pay the NHS charge...but then, it drives me insane, anyway, so I tend to avoid stuff like that!

Chunks of Reality said...

I wish that I could laugh on this post, but I just couldn't and I apologize.

It just hurt my heart what these people have said to you. My word, with "friends/family" like these, who needs enemies? I think enemies would be nicer.

2008 was not a very good year but I'm hoping 2009 will be much better for us all.

Happy New Year and here is to a new beginning....

*hugs*

Keli said...

Some people have absolutely no talent with words, do they? It certainly stinks when those people by head scratching coincidence happen to be a close blood relations. Good for you in utilizing your sharp wit and sense of humor!
Happy New Year to you and your loved ones, my dear! May the coming year be filled with wonderful, happy surprises for you!