Saturday, 4 October 2008

Part #17

I guess this is just a diary post and doesn't have any rhyme or reason...'Note to self: eat some food, for God's sake...'

So, second session of counselling to come on Monday and an early doctor's appointment. I'm already thinking of excuses not to go to either, but realise I just have to. I'm not really sure what it is which bothers me so much. Not exactly 'realisation' of things and 'confrontation' of events - I do that in this blog. Just a bit of background dis-ease. 

My weight has plateaued for a while. And suddenly, 3lb have come off. And oddly, I have been trying really hard to keep meals in as often as possible, too. Last night, a small plate of fish and veg stayed in and down. I guess it could be something to do with the biochemistry of digestion and carb-burning, but it's 18 years since I did Biol, so forgive my rustiness!

I'm also not 100% certain exactly WHY the pain in my legs and hips is now worsening to such a degree that I don't know what to do with myself at times, although I know malnutrition is obviously a major factor. The mineral inbalances won't help, either, despite the supplements I take. Last night, I couldn't get comfortable - sitting on a hot water bottle like an old woman with piles! Up-down; up-down; moan, moan, moan. I was a miserable bugger last night! When we went to bed, I had this startling sensation through my left leg. You know when you awake in the mornings, have a stretch and you can't quite clench the muscles in your hands properly because they are so relaxed from the sleep? My whole left leg went like that. All the muscles were useless. It perplexed me slightly. More so because it took me a while to actually describe what it was like to Ian.

I seem to be teetering back towards 'bulimarexia'. It's not a condition I am happy to be heading towards at all. Confusion reigneth in my head so much and I feel like I am going bonkers sometimes. It's playing havoc with my circulation and I am either ice cold or the sweat literally pours out of me. There are times such as last night when I will eat a small meal and force myself not to get rid of it - even though this can sometimes cause me a fair bit of mental angst for a good hour or so - and there are other times when I cannot go near food for wanting to retch...then there are the times when I want to hoover up everything savoury in sight. 

I suppose the bingeing could be unkindly misconstrued as greed. It must appear rather odd to someone who enjoys their food 'normally' to watch someone gorge on all sorts of delights (although my 'downfall' is simple bread) and then bring it all back up. It's so much deeper than that, though - and extremely difficult to explain. It's not an example of 'wanting my cake and eating it' (if you'll pardon the pun!) it's that old demon, 'control'...and its sister 'lack of...' The 'white mist' I described in an earlier post which took over during my cutting periods is very much alive and present during the binge times and is visiting more often than I like.

I have become dreadfully self-conscious. I feel myself burning up with embarrassment at all sorts of events, comments, situations. Where once I could back-chat any man, now they only have to look at me and I can blush dreadfully. If I screw up my reverse parking, I am blushing, even if there is no-one around; sexual innuendoes make me blush; certain things which have happened to me over the years - if I recall them - they have the potential to make me blush...even if I am completely alone and am not discussing it with anyone. I hate it. I thought I had got over my ridiculous blushing in my early 20s when I left home. It is horrible that it has returned with such a vengeance now. Why on earth should it have come back?

I don't feel very attractive at all. Although I haven't exactly stopped taking pride in my appearance, I find just blending in to the background, wearing jeans, sloppy tops, boots etc just lets me fade into insignificance. My wardrobe of beautiful skirts and dresses hardly sees the light of day. Little fits, admittedly, but certain outfits I feel as though I'm not worthy enough to wear. Does that make any sense? Where once I was flattered by a compliment, now I feel very uncomfortable. If someone hasn't seen me for a while and comments on my weight loss, I squirm inside and try to change the subject rapidly. If it's a woman who remarks, it can be a bloody nightmare, as they "Want To Know [My] Secret".

So, this evening, we are making the effort to 'dress for dinner'. Candles, tablecloths, posh outfits - the works. A bit of lippy won't go amiss, either! It's all too easy to sink into a rut. And climbing back out from the bottom is harder than working your way back from half-way up. As long as you can keep getting out of bed in the mornings...

As Anne Lamott said:

Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: You don't give up.


Mars said...

I can't think of anything to say. It's possible that its because its 3am and I'm a lil drunk due to lack of sleep. and bingeing (i'll tell u more on that later). but just wanted to let you know that i stopped by. *mwah*

have fun at your do.

Linda and her Twaddle said...

I wonder, perhaps, if you have sustained a level of nerve damage due to your ongoing health issues. I mean, nerve pain hurts. You cannot sit down without pain. And it takes ages to heal. I have foot drop (fortunately only 10% now) due to residual nerve damage after weight loss.

Do you think that all this confronting your feelings and actually talking about it is causing you to be so much more unsettled? This in turn is leading you to react in the only way you know how - as though your body is attuned to your emotional state and reacts accordingly bringing you along for the ride irrespective as the whether or not you want to go.

Your stomach will have experienced a great deal of trauma and has to be retrained. This problem is totally separate from what is going on in your head. It is not within your control as such and I think you have to be very patient and gentle with each step of the way. Don't let it get to you. Just nibble a bit, relax, expect all sorts of new problems as you work on getting better.

Don't lose heart. All this is hard work. You are in really early, early stages and will feel most uncomfortable within yourself. Just go with it. Tell the therapist exactly what is going on. Don't tell her what you think she needs to know, tell her how you feel. She may well be able to give you a few eye opening tips to help.

As long as you are getting out of bed, attending to personal things, eating a few little meals and brushing your teeth twice a day - the rest is a bonus. Take it easy and good luck with the therapist.

Annie T AKA Agnes Mildew said...

Mars: Get to bed, my dear!

Linda: I will ask my doctor about the neural issue tomorrow, actually. It's not something which crossed my mind at all. I wonder if, also, it has had anything to do with the adverse reactions I have had to some of the drugs he has prescribed me??

Yes, possibly all this confrontation and getting it out in the open is unsettling me. I know, sometimes, I am sick and tired of talking/thinking/writing about it, and even returned to HME to write about something a bit less gloomy!

Thanks for your words of wisdom, though - and your consideration. It's greatly appreciated.

Ang said...

Keep trying and hoping even if it is dark. Sometimes it takes baby steps to reach goals. I loved the Anne Lamott quote. Don't give up.

thewishfulwriter said...

I too love the quote. We all have our own demons, things we fight and feel like we should have control over. You certainly aren't alone in that. Keep on keepin' on :)

sea life said...

Totally agree with linda. Be honest with your therapist!
Be strong and go for it!
Take care:)

may_be said...

The quote is beautiful. I don't know if I have anything 'substantial' to say apart from that I'm reading it and thinking of you.

Actually I was thinking the other day of this blog and your honesty in getting things down on paper and out and it made me think of this quote I have stuck above my dresser at home which says "In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer" and is by Albert Camus. The power in your words makes me see your invincible summer, I hope you find it for yourself.

much love

Annie T AKA Agnes Mildew said...

Ang, Heather & Sea Life: Glad you like the quote and yes, I'm going to keep on going, for sure. Just about to get myself cleaned up for Round One - with the doctor...that's going to be a long one as he has booked me in before his surgery starts. I am squirming already...

May_be: Lovely quote by Camus. Thank you. I shall make a note of that one. Hope things get better for you and yours, too.