tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1435907928209310248.post1170468313049073550..comments2023-07-26T13:30:56.015+01:00Comments on Annie's Rexia: Part #24Agnes Mildewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09851062037702982772noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1435907928209310248.post-57660848494340549392008-11-04T19:44:00.000+00:002008-11-04T19:44:00.000+00:00Fish: Thanks for your visit - lovely to see you he...Fish: Thanks for your visit - lovely to see you here and I hope the trip to HK was a good one! Yes, I have thought along the same lines over the years. The reaction was intense and violent. I just, honestly, wish she would try to take a step back from things and see what she is doing to herself and her family.<BR/><BR/>I have a new post ready to be written which sort of continues on from this - and it is dealing with very current events. Give me some time to get it up and then things may become a wee bit clearer.<BR/><BR/>Great to see you here, petal!Agnes Mildewhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09851062037702982772noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1435907928209310248.post-29976634808603480442008-11-04T19:17:00.000+00:002008-11-04T19:17:00.000+00:00I wonder if your mother was so quick to get upset ...I wonder if your mother was so quick to get upset after reading the book because deep down she did/does feel guilty/responsible for your ED and has closed her mind to being able to fully appreciate the triggers of your illness.fishwithoutbicyclehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12071691302805126529noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1435907928209310248.post-64403180888436992542008-11-04T05:47:00.000+00:002008-11-04T05:47:00.000+00:00Linda: For some odd reason, I am losing comments h...Linda: For some odd reason, I am losing comments hence why I haven't yet responded to yours - only discovered this lurking in the back office today!<BR/><BR/>I agree with what you say about the healing. I just know that a move like that from my mother and father will never happen. And as for the ex, well, pigs might fly! Even to this day he refuses to accept his part in the downfall of our marriage - due to his affair. <BR/>Amazing how the blinkers can be so firmly placed on the eyes, isn't it?Agnes Mildewhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09851062037702982772noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1435907928209310248.post-80385633344943887612008-11-02T11:27:00.000+00:002008-11-02T11:27:00.000+00:00Bob: That book sounds very interesting and I would...Bob: That book sounds very interesting and I wouldn't mind getting hold of a copy. I shall see if our library can order it for me, initially, and if not, have a scout on Amazon - thanks!<BR/><BR/>No, there is and was no 'emotionally attuned responses'. I didn't even have to think long and hard about that. And it does make me very, very angry in some ways - which is better than self-pitying! I don't think my parents would be able to tune into their own emotions if they were given a diagram! That may sound blasé, but fundamentally, it is the truth. Which, I believe, is a great loss for them. If you're not tuned into your own emotions, you're missing out on a hell of a lot of colour in your life.<BR/><BR/>Federoff9: Thank you for your visit. I admire you for your admissions - not every person can do that, particularly not in a mother-daughter relationship. I do hope things improve for all of you and wish your daughter much love in her recovery.Agnes Mildewhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09851062037702982772noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1435907928209310248.post-74638136464022805182008-11-02T04:51:00.000+00:002008-11-02T04:51:00.000+00:00Blame is not the word to use as years pass on and ...Blame is not the word to use as years pass on and your parents are not responding. It is pointless to lay blame unless a parent is prepared to at least acknowledge they made significant mistakes along the way. That kind of helps in the healing if they do. Otherwise it just makes you feel like you are the one who caused the problem. <BR/><BR/>All you can now do is look objectively at the reasons behind the formation of your problems. You had bad parents, you were an intelligent and sensitive girl who was treated apallingly so it is no wonder you have an ED now. <BR/><BR/>Your first husband made the issue worse by offering no sympathy or empathy or anything. (you sure he was not chosen by your father?). A spouse is meant to support you, not punish you.<BR/><BR/>Is it no wonder you had to struggle? The more aware you are of how it all started, the more able you will be to realise that you are not the one who has done wrong, that lies in the hands of others who are in denial. It may well be part of your history, but is sure does not need to define you.lindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05392205573326695683noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1435907928209310248.post-83210239978445160242008-11-01T01:51:00.000+00:002008-11-01T01:51:00.000+00:00I refuse to be absolved from all the blame of my d...I refuse to be absolved from all the blame of my daughter's anorexia.... and yet, no family is perfect. I tried to correct the mistakes MY parents made with me, and I wound up with a very needy daughter- who thinks she can stand on her own as a 16 year old anorexic. I think after a certain amount of time of refusing to eat, the brain just goes haywire. The starvation-induced euphoria is like a drug, as well. So I know it's not totally environment.federoff11https://www.blogger.com/profile/02584066938192075200noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1435907928209310248.post-8716469819301511802008-10-31T19:45:00.000+00:002008-10-31T19:45:00.000+00:00Dear Annie, Figuring out how a person got into t...Dear Annie,<BR/><BR/> Figuring out how a person got into this mess can indeed be a can of worms. When we are searching for an answer and looking for reasons, it's hard to avoid the necessity of placing blame. And "blame" as a concept has become a particularly sensitive and slippery topic in these post-modern times.<BR/><BR/> None the less...<BR/><BR/> "...The common thread was that none of these women had been given unconditional love from their mothers..."<BR/><BR/> I'm reading a wonderful book right now called "Sensing the Self : Women's Recovery from Bulimia." It's written by a woman from Harvard, so...she's got a little cred, I think. And perhaps it's approach is indeed old-fashioned in that it does examine "common threads" of the....psychological and developmental persuasion. <BR/><BR/> And yet she pretty much locates exactly the same common thread that you did : A lack of what she so accurately calls "emotionally attuned responses" between child and parents during the developmental years.<BR/><BR/> Can you say that you regularly received emotionally attuned responses from your parents ? Then or...even now ?<BR/><BR/> We know them when we receive them, I think. In part because for some of us, they have always been so incredably rare.<BR/><BR/> Which is, and remains ( no matter what your stance on the causes of EDs) an authentic human tragedy for anyone.<BR/><BR/>xxxBob Jhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01785320380712279680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1435907928209310248.post-20192075564547017092008-10-31T12:15:00.000+00:002008-10-31T12:15:00.000+00:00Brilliantly stated... At least we have a choice ov...Brilliantly stated... At least we have a choice over what friends we pick, and keep. We are given what family we have, but that doesn't mean we have to keep them! No matter what, if they treat you like garbage, then garbage is where they belong. Time to take out the trash!<BR/><BR/>I'm proud of you, you know that?Karen ^..^https://www.blogger.com/profile/05197114237324824217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1435907928209310248.post-31398215401066449232008-10-31T11:45:00.000+00:002008-10-31T11:45:00.000+00:00Ian: Well, both of us know people who believe in t...Ian: Well, both of us know people who believe in their own infallibility, don't we? And we both know how frustrating and destructive it can be. As parents, we can only hope to do things differently, and with any luck, for the better.<BR/><BR/>Mars: I haven't heard that saying for a very long time, but it is a salient one. And it is about correction of things. And attempting to 'walk around in someone else's shoes'. I'm not quite capable of doing that where my mother is concerned - at the moment - because there was never anything to question. Her word was Gospel, no negotiations, no questions asked. It's difficult to understand that type of dogged self-belief.<BR/><BR/>Melissa: When my mother refused to talk to me back in November 06, she wrote to me stating that she would continue to see 'her' grand-daughters, come what may, by going through the ex. I wouldn't be able to stop her. The thought hadn't even crossed my mind, to be honest, as they have no argument with her. But she has been hoist by her own petard with her pettiness and bitterness which the girls quail from. She calls them at their father's but they now refuse to speak to her - particularly after Beth told her she didn't like the way she was behaving towards me. And it would appear from their silence, that my parents don't want to have anything to do with her any more, either. <BR/><I>That's</I> what happens when you stand up to my mother and criticise her. So, my 11-year old is also in the dog-house...<BR/><BR/>Karen: Thank you for those kind words. I actually considered it a very wishy-washy conclusion but if you want it, you can have it!!<BR/>The greater and longer the distance between me and her, the more I feel I will strengthen to be honest. There are certain family members who can be toxic to people's lives. And I am sure it is a minority. But we wouldn't keep toxic friends, so I cannot see why we should keep hold of toxic family.Agnes Mildewhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09851062037702982772noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1435907928209310248.post-83025244243889211732008-10-31T01:35:00.000+00:002008-10-31T01:35:00.000+00:00Oh, that last paragraph was such pure genius, I ma...Oh, that last paragraph was such pure genius, I may quote it in a blog of my own. You say so many things, so well, in such a way that it makes perfect sense, Annie. You have outdone yourself with this post, it is utter genius, and really seems to dig out the root of the issues. Yes, your mother did horrendous damage. Yes, she is a very sick woman who will never, ever as long as she is alive, take responsibility for her actions. You have had to pay the price for that, and now you are having to struggle through a way and a means to live with that damage that was done, in order to not further damage yourself. I think you are doing an admirable job of it, and I love you for it. <BR/><BR/>Rock on, my friend.Karen ^..^https://www.blogger.com/profile/05197114237324824217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1435907928209310248.post-31678896580937229372008-10-30T23:27:00.000+00:002008-10-30T23:27:00.000+00:00annie; i was initially thinking that your daughter...annie; i was initially thinking that your daughters liked being with your mother, so maybe there was reason to talk to her. i'm sure you've thought of this, but why not cut off contact for a while? who cares what she thinks? can anything be worse than what she says and does when you are in contact? hope i haven't over-stepped. also, i don't sense that she's coming from a place of strength. she sounds so insecure and tortured. not to diminish all the excruciating things she says and does - just to diminish her power. that posting about parents helping their anorexic daughters got me too.I Hate to Weighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17241064340434705588noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1435907928209310248.post-21500795100838228432008-10-30T19:29:00.000+00:002008-10-30T19:29:00.000+00:00there's a saying my dad has: "you can't clap with ...there's a saying my dad has: "you can't clap with one hand".<BR/><BR/>sure as you said, they're not entirely to blame. but they still have a big hand to blame. even if your choices were/are wrong, they played a major role in sending you down that path to begin with.<BR/><BR/>anyhow, i learned that trying to get better isn't really about placing blame. it's about understanding the problem, taking steps to correcting it, and actually sticking by it, to preserve your well-being and sanity. which you are already on the road to doing so :)Emhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01267643422775549142noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1435907928209310248.post-29639026148921060992008-10-30T16:25:00.000+00:002008-10-30T16:25:00.000+00:00And it's admitting that fallibility that takes str...And it's admitting that fallibility that takes strength and courage.<BR/><BR/>As a new step-parent (and parent), I constantly question my actions and words. Was I too harsh? Was I too lax? However, I do believe that honesty in admitting when I've made a mistake garners respect. It's a fine line though.<BR/><BR/>Total belief in ones self-righteousness is not good. After all, making mistakes is one of the things that makes us human.<BR/><BR/>It takes a strong person to admit they have done wrong. But once that admission is made, it can be learned from. Maybe that's why some people don't do this. To err, for them, is something that is un-acceptable (or even impossible); therefore to admit error is also to admit imperfection - which is impossible in their dysfunctional throught processes.<BR/><BR/>And I <I>would</I> lay the blame at their door. Would you be anorexic without their influence? I don't think so from what you've told me about the "good" things that have happened in your life.<BR/><BR/>This is <I>not</I> your fault Annie. Yes - you are the one responsible for getting yourself out of it, but you weren't responsible for starting it.<BR/><BR/>xxIan Thttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09936577687295828181noreply@blogger.com